Emotional Abuse - how to stop it

 Adapted from an article by Steven Stosny, Ph.D., author of “How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It”, and “Love Without Hurt”.

         

What is emotional abuse? Words spoken or actions taken that deliberately hurt the feelings of another person.

But the problem is emotionally abusive relationships, not emotionally abusive behaviour because in most close relationships - at some time or another - especially during heated arguments anyone can show emotionally abusive behaviour.

An emotionally abusive relationship consists of repeated patterns of emotionally abusive behaviours where one person systematically controls the other by:

• Undermining his or her confidence, worthiness, growth, or trust
• "Gaslighting" - making him/her feel crazy or unstable
• Manipulating him/her with fear or shame.

Examples:
"You shouldn't spend so much on clothes, you don't look good anyway"
"Don't complain about how bad you have it, no one else could love you"
"Your friends and family just want something from you"
"I have to drink to be able to stand you"
"One of these days you'll wake up, and I'll be gone"
"You don't know the first thing about raising kids"

Most emotional abuse is not as direct and verbal as these examples show. All of these “messages” can be implied with tone of voice, sarcasm, irony, or mumblings or communicated without the abuser saying a word through body language, for example: rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, slamming doors, banging dishes, stonewalling etc. There are a myriad of ways to be emotionally abusive.

Gender Distinctions

In more than 20 years of working with abusive relationships, Steven Stosny PhD says he has noticed a consistent gender distinction in the kind of abuse perpetrated.

• An emotionally abusive man controls his partner by manipulating her fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation; he threatens or implies that he might hurt her, leave her, or keep her apart from the things she loves.
• An emotionally abusive woman controls her partner by manipulating his dread of failure as a provider, protector, lover, or parent: "I could have married a man who made more money, I had more orgasms with my last boyfriend, you're not a real man, and you don't know the first thing about raising kids."

Women engage in as much emotionally abusive behaviour as men, but the systematic use of emotional abuse to control another person is usually the domain of men, simply because it is easier to control someone with fear than shame.

A typical defence against shame is to tune out the person provoking it. (The root of the word, "shame" means to cover or hide.) That’s why many a numb husband ignores a nagging or strident wife. His abuse, though inexcusable, is not threatening to him. He is more likely to describe himself as following a path of least resistance than as a victim living under the thumb of someone more powerful. Even though they may be ill-treated and far from happy, emotionally abused men seldom live in fear,

In contrast, women with abusive partners are more likely to have their thoughts, feelings, and behaviour controlled by the abusive partner. This is because it is almost impossible NOT TO think about things that make you afraid when they are in proximity - just try to ignore the sleeping sabre tooth tiger in the next room.

Fear is essentially a built in alarm system. And our fear threshold adapts in dangerous environments. So the more one experiences fear, the more sensitized to possible danger one becomes. (That's why you might be unnerved by a moving shadow after seeing a horror movie.) The typical response to fear is hypervigilence.

Effects
In many ways, emotional abuse is more psychologically harmful than physical abuse.

There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent
Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. In the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, (not to be mistaken for genuine compassion). Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day.

2. There is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves
If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit.

If you suspect that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, take the Walking on Eggshells quiz at http://compassionpower.com/Eggshells/.

If your score indicates that you are walking on eggshells, for your sake you need to seek professional help.

Eliminate Abuse by Increasing Compassion
Lack of compassion in a love relationship feels like abuse.
This is because people tend to form emotional bonds with an expectation that those we love will care about how we feel.
When loved ones fail to care that we are hurt, let alone inflict hurt upon us, it feels like betrayal.

Merely refraining from abusive behaviours will do nothing to improve a relationship, though it may slow its rate of deterioration. To repair the harm done, there must be an increase in compassion.

That means both parties have to care about how the other feels, even when they disagree with the ideas or facts that trigger the feelings.

• The inability to separate a loved one's behaviour
• From the loved one – as a person . . .

Is the biggest root cause of emotional abuse

So, during an argument you can and should negotiate any behaviours you don't like (you can even condemn it) without devaluing the person you love.

In other words – you can hate the “sin” but love the “sinner.”

Self-compassion and compassion are the keys to preventing abuse
Self-compassion is:

• The ability to recognize when you are hurt
• With a motivation to heal or improve

Developing self-compassion is the key to increasing compassion for loved ones. But this may not be that easy to achieve in love relationships. Because, when your mate makes you angry, you feel devalued or unlovable – you perceive that your mate has said or done something to devalue you.

Nonetheless, with self-compassion, you have two alternatives to anger and retaliation:
1. Since the real problem is that you feel devalued or unlovable, you will move toward a real solution, i.e., doing something that will make you feel more valuable and lovable. (In the history of humankind, no one has ever felt more valuable and lovable by hurting loved ones.)

2. The other alternative to angry retaliation that comes with self-compassion is an understanding that your loved one, like you, feels devalued and unlovable beneath his/her angry, resentful, or irritable behaviour. Hurting or devaluing him or her further can only make it worse.

Neither anger nor compassion solves problems in love relationships. But compassion puts you in a position where you are more likely to solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction. At the very least, you will never be emotionally abusive with compassion.

Think of times when you have been angry at someone you love and compare those times to when you have felt compassion for those you love. In which emotional state were you more likely to get the most favourable outcome?