The cycle of abuse in domestic violence

Most men that abuse a spouse want to assume a sense of unhealthy power and control.  Once abuse begins, it never stops it only escalates.  If the abusive situation is allowed to continue the end result can be severe and can result in death.

A man has no right to lay a finger on a helpless woman no matter what the situation.  Many times the abused will try and cover up the abuse hiding it from colleagues, friends and family.  Hiding the abuse is the worst thing a person can do.  You need the intervention and support of others.  

Even if you feel you still love the abuser, the situation is hopeless and you need to place your feelings aside and do the right thing.  The situation even becomes worse if there are children involved that witness the abuse.  The psychological damage in an abusive environment can cause life- long scars physically and mentally.

If you are in an abusive relationship, seek professional guidance, help through a local battered shelter or social service agency (if available) and the support of family and friends.  It is time to seek help and take control of your life.  The time is over for false promises and broken dreams.

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviours are not about anger and rage:

• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
• If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behaviour by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is even a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behaviour. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behaviour.
• "Normal" behaviour – Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.
• "Normal" behaviour — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service