When love hurts - domestic violence
Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

When it comes to domestic violence, while we do not claim to have all the answers, we would like to support women in this situation, as well as any friends and family, who want to help.

Many people feel that the “why women stay” question shifts responsibility to the wrong place as the question implies that victims are somehow to blame for their abuse - when in fact no one has the right to abuse another person.

Nonetheless, especially those who have never experienced physical abuse or domestic violence find it hard to understand why abused women don’t just leave when the abuse first starts.

Here are some of the main reasons why women stay:

1. Fear of or threats of worse violence

Even though the relationship between an abuser and a victim may end, this does not guarantee the violence will stop. Often, abusers warn their victims that it would be very dangerous for them (and those they love) if they were to ever try to escape the relationship.

2. Lack of knowledge
A woman thinking of leaving may not know where to go for help regarding her legal rights, child support, access to women’s shelters etc.

3. Lack of support from the authorities

It’s not uncommon for women who contact the authorities to experience these things:

• Clergy and/or social workers trained to "save the family" rather than to stop violence.
• Police treat incidents of domestic violence as mere "disputes" rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another
• Police discourage victims of domestic assault from pressing criminal charges

4. Lack of resources

Given that the typical abuser usually controls the purse strings, women with children who have no income (never mind their own home) have much to lose if they walk out; a lower standard of living for themselves and their children, loss of joint assets, and possibly even custody of their children.

Probably with an already eroded self esteem - because most abusers exploit the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of their victims – it’s likely any fears a victim had at the start of the relationship would be leveraged for full effect.

5. Social conditioning / Value system
A woman may feel duty-bound or obligated to stay in an abusive situation for any of the following reasons.

• Women instinctively mother those they love and tend to want to "fix" things. That’s why many victims labour under the illusion that “my love alone can make my abuser better” (sometimes with tragic consequences.)
• Most women believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Even in modern societies, a woman’s worth is measured by her ability to attract and keep a man.
• Family and friends may not support a women’s decision to leave.
• Other social, religious or cultural ‘’rules’’ that many women feel they need to live by – children have the right to grow up knowing their father, divorce is wrong in the eyes of God, a bad father is better than no father at all . . .  

6. Cycle of Abuse
Many victimised women remain ever hopeful that things will get better. In the documented pattern that professionals refer to as The Cycle of Abuse, what feeds this notion is that there are typically periods of calm, nurturing and love between incidents of violence.

7. Abusive background
Women who come from dysfunctional families—families in which they were routinely beaten or otherwise abused as children—knowing no other patterns of behaviour expect and accept abuse or incidents of violence.