A woman's guide to happier holidays

Women especially, as primary care-givers, risk feeling depleted after the holidays; particularly those involving people from outside the family.

There could be valid reasons for this. For instance, it’s common to trade home comforts, such as having loads of space and more than one loo or TV room, for the sake of getting away from it all. Then it’s possible you’ll share accommodation with family or friends, or stay near them. This can create conflict and affect family dynamics.
 
But there could be a tape playing in your head that prevents you from really relaxing and having fun; an inner tyrant pushing you around.

As most of us know, how we relate to ourselves is largely shaped during childhood. Not only do we tend to internalize any negative messages we were exposed to, for example:

• You’ll never amount to anything unless you work hard
• You should be more like so-and-so

But, our inner tapes also record sometimes skewed lessons that enabled us to “survive” childhood, for example:

• If I don’t maintain control, things will fall apart
• My value comes from making everyone else happy 
• If I don’t rock the boat, everything will be fine

Unfortunately, our inner tapes can force us into emotional straitjackets that prevent us from reaching our full potential, even in adulthood. But this does not mean we cannot change. According to the book The Power of Partnership, by Riane Eisler “We have an amazing capacity to overcome childhood conditioning and continue to learn throughout our lives.”

And what better time to start overcoming old issues than during the holidays? Here are some ideas that might help you enjoy your next vacation more; and possibly even your life.

1. Know your priorities
Despite what you might like to believe – you can’t have it all. The question is what will you compromise?

Especially on holiday, what’s more important; keeping the place spick and span or spending quality time with your children?  Five years from now, will you even remember the perfect meal you took half the day to prepare, which meant you didn’t go snorkelling with the rest of the family?

2. Delegate responsibilities
If you are really going to relax and have a good time, make peace with the fact that you can’t do it all. No one should have to run the show alone. Yet relying on others is extremely difficult for some.    

Try nominating people to take responsibility for different things. Before a day at the beach for example, one person can be in charge of making sandwiches, another for packing the cooler box, another for organising the umbrella, yet another for choosing the perfect spot . . .

After you’ve asked someone to take over, let go!  Only offer assistance if invited to. If you’re a novice delegator, start small by delegating minor tasks.

In itself, the process of delegation has several benefits. The obvious one is that it frees up time for the one delegating. The other is that it allows those taking responsibility to feel useful and empowered.

3. Ask for help BEFORE you feel overwhelmed
It’s perfectly reasonable to ask for help. No one will think any more or less of you if you do. Yet there could be obstacles that stop you from asking for the support you need:

• Perhaps there’s a mind tape with mom saying “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach;” which can make us strive to earn love in this way.
• Or perfectionism could be to blame - “only I can make the perfect potato salad.”
• Or you’ve accepted that – because you were let down in the past – you can’t count on others

Whatever the reason - STOP! You are worth more than how well you cook. The earth will not fall off its axis if someone else makes a near-perfect salad.  There are many people out there who won’t let you down.

4. Take turns
By sharing the workload, everyone gets the chance to feel needed and also to relax. Give everyone in the group the chance to come up with - an idea for an outing, an evening meal, their turn to do the cleaning up or the day’s shopping . . . 

5. Don’t expect everyone to do everything together
Be flexible. Respect the fact that not everyone will want to take part in every family outing.

6. Don’t overcrowd the schedule
Everyone needs ‘me time;’ even you. People will be more inclined to expect time out during the annual holiday.

7.  Relax the standards
Decide what’s important – a clean kitchen, tidy bathroom etc. Then don’t sweat the small stuff.

Make sure that everyone knows how the house works; how to operate the washing machine, where to find the cleaning materials etc.

8.  If you find yourself getting anxious, examine your thinking
As psychologists have long told us, the first step is to become aware of what we actually feel. Only then can we consciously analyze the events that trigger our painful or anxious feelings. For example, if sitting down in a messy living area without first tidying up makes you uncomfortable, there’s probably a reason why. And not surprisingly, it’s likely to stem from learned responses to childhood experiences. Only once you figure out the underlying reason, will you be able to de-program the old tapes you carry in your head and put your feelings of discomfort to rest.

Ultimately, the best part of being an adult is being able to make your own choices. No one can tell you what to do or how to feel; unless you let them. So when it comes to the tapes in your head - take what you need, and delete the rest. . . . Happy holidays!