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Lee’s Story This is a true story written by a survivor of domestic violence.
Fortunately for me, I continued with my involvement with the community policing initiative; especially the South African Defence Force, with whom I spent entire weekends doing training, learning how to shoot 'big guns' so I became a bit like GI Jane. It was fun and it took my mind off the ugliness surrounding the divorce. It was during March of 2000 that my Dad in the UK suggested I start looking for a home to purchase. I couldn't believe it. My Father was going to buy a house for my children and me. In addition, he was sustaining the monthly subsidy so as to ensure I was able to support us. This made all the difference. By June 2000 I had bought a perfect little house in a secure complex about a kilometre from Mike's. I did this as my children were visiting their father on weekends, and I felt the need to be as close to them as possible in case I had to get to them fast. It was of course also perfect in terms of proximity to work and my community work. The children and I were very happy in our new home. My attorney had secured a good settlement for me, and Mike had to say goodbye to the car, furniture and 50% of the house we had bought if he wanted to keep it. So we wanted for nothing. The divorce went through on the 1st of September 2000. I walked out of the court room with a sense of new-found freedom and independence. I believed at that point my hell was finally over, which, to a large degree it was. Sure, I had the security of knowing that I was 'free' of my monster, and that he could not threaten me or hurt me again, and that he would have to provide support for his children, but what I never really anticipated was the fact that as my children's father, this man would always be in my life. As the months passed, I began to feel physical changes in my body. I had suffered from terrible back ache through much of my marriage, yet never realised it was caused by the severe stress I was living under; always being so 'on edge' that my shoulders were constantly tense. In addition, I stopped suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Spastic Colon as the doctors called it. It was wonderful to feel normal again. Although I was divorced, I still had to deal with abuse, albeit from a distance. According to the settlement regarding access to the children, Mike could have them on every alternate weekend and certain holidays. This arrangement was not ideal as Reece was still very young, and I could not be there to protect him when he was with his father. Mike would interrogate Reece as to what I was doing with my life on every level, and in his innocence the poor child would share just about everything. If I had meetings at my home with community members, Mike would know about it. I would then receive terrible phone calls about 'whoring' around in front of my children. Then there were the times I would receive calls from friends telling me that Mike was sitting in bars drinking with Reece running around the car park. Obviously this sort of thing was terrible worrying. Penny being eight years older had begun living a more social life with her friends on weekends, and she simply refused to visit her father for anything longer than a few hours at a time. She even once went an entire year with no contact. In a desperate attempt to have access denied I eventually had Reece undergo therapy with an educational psychologist. After weeks of assessment, a full report was drawn up. This gave ample reason as to why supervised visits should be instated in place of full access. Unfortunately, as I later found out, to consult an attorney, and begin another legal battle could cost upward of ZAR50 000 (almost 7 000 USD). This was money I just did not have. I then tried to get assistance from the Family Advocate in the South African Courts, who first told me they needed to meet with Mike and me together, then said this was not something I could legally demand of him! Of course - because it didn’t suit Mike - the meeting never happened. And there was no recourse open to me. This was just one example of how the court system failed me Left with no choice but to try and manage the situation as best I could, I gave Reece a mobile phone at the age of six so he could call me if there was a problem. And there were many calls. I had taken out another protection order, and when Mike broke it and was finally arrested, we spent eight months in and out of court. Then the court ruled in his favour saying the order had not been correctly served on Mike in the first place. This was a load of rubbish, and I walked out of the court with suspicions of bribery. This was another time the courts failed me. That’s when I realised that there simply was no protection in South Africa for victims of domestic violence, or their children. The courts again failed me when Mike simply stopped increasing the monthly maintenance two years after the divorce. Going to the Maintenance Court was a complete waste of time. Later I went on to open a trauma centre and overnight shelter for victims of crime and domestic abuse. I ran the centre for two years, and then started to manage the victim support centre at our local police station. I had by this stage found my calling and no longer worked with the South African Defence Force. I studied through F.A.M.S.A. (Family Life Centre of South Africa) and became a counsellor as well as a Trauma Counsellor. It was during the following 7 years that I realised just how massive the problem with domestic violence really is, and that mine was not an isolated case. Based on my experiences as a counsellor, I have come to believe that one in every three women is involved in an abusive relationship. Listening to other women’s experiences was like reliving my own. It is now ten years on. Mike is still an alcoholic and lost his job back in November 2005. Although he has been in and out of rehabilitation facilities, so far treatment has not helped. His parents were eventually forced to face the reality that their son has serious problems. They even came to me for help. My advice to them was that they should have Mike committed into a psychiatric institution for no less than six weeks. This would be so that Mike could undergo a detox process prior to intensive assessment to try to establish what chemical disorder he was suffering from. I advised that they (Mike's parents) would need to take a 'tough love' approach in order to ensure the full process was carried out. Sadly, they did not follow this advice and Mike has since been a constant burden on his parents, even beating up his father a couple of years ago. Mike has a girlfriend. I warned her about his history right at the start. She did not listen, and even though she pretty much supports him financially, she now endures far worse than I did; regular beatings, broken bones, and on one occasion Mike even slashed her throat! Penny went on to complete a degree at university. Achieving a Cum Laude, she was top of her faculty out of hundreds of students. Today she works in a senior corporate position, and has been in a very happy relationship for the past five years. Though she still sees her father, she 'manages' their relationship carefully. In my opinion, my daughter stays in contact with her dad for the simple reason that she believes he is living on borrowed time as she is well aware of his lifestyle. Reece is now fifteen. A colourful young man with many friends, he is currently doing the Cambridge Study Method and hopes to achieve his 'O' levels soon. Like Penny, he too manages the time he spends with Mike. Often finding his father childish, it would seem that Reece has overtaken Mike on an emotional level. As for me . . . well, I have moved away from the counselling field as I felt I needed to ‘escape the madness’ and focus on myself. I now run a music entertainment company and music school. Have I any lasting effects from my fifteen years of hell? Of course! For one, I am a total control freak and, although I am aware of this, I still find it very difficult to leave decisions and general tasks to others to carry through, which is not always a good thing. But I am working on it. What have I learned through all of this? That’s simple: A woman should never lose sight of her individuality or become financially reliant on a man. You just never know if or when things might change, and believe me, it happens in the best of marriages. Also, when entering a new relationship, be aware of the warning signs that can point to abusive behaviour; for instance drug or alcohol abuse, being told what to wear, and fault being found with most (if not all) of your friends. In addition, I believe that if a man seems to be unable to make decisions without often consulting his parents this too should raise a red flag, as should personal questions regarding intimacy in previous relationships. (And I suggest answering these with a simple response such as 'my past has nothing to do with now.') I am NOT a victim. I am a survivor who is free from the past. I have many great years ahead in my life, and I thank God for being there for me and my wonderful children through this journey, and for the strength I have acquired along the way. I would also like to thank my amazing mother and step-father for all their support and never turning their backs on me, and my dad in the UK for being there to get me back on my feet and helping me with so much financial support. And to my dear friends - for all the phone calls and girlie talks of support - you know who you are. . . But, above all, I would like to thank my two children for never losing faith in me that 'mommy will fix this'. And lastly, I would like to thank the wonderful girls at Wonderful Women and Inform Magazine for affording me the opportunity to share my story, and for being patient when my contributions arrived just in time for deadline! I love you all. “If just one woman, trapped in an abusive relationship is able to find the emotional tools to leave and better her life through reading my story, then writing it will have been worth it.” – Lee |