Pornography - a woman's perspective

Pornography hurts people - women especially - because some of the women and girls who become the “objects of erotica” are forced to participate in the porn industry against their will.  Also research shows that in marriages, when a woman discovers that the man in her life ‘appreciates’ porn, this can be as traumatic as finding out about an extra-marital affair.

Unfortunately many men would have us think that pornography is okay. You may have heard the arguments: “all guys” look at pornography. Or “It’s just the way it is”. Judging from the porn industry’s multi-billion-dollar annual revenues, recent estimates suggest that internet porn use among men has reached at least 50 percent.

But does this make it okay?  
We believe NOT. Also that it can NEVER be a woman’s friend. Here’s why: Pornographic material is specifically designed to appeal to human lust. Lust is an intense sexual desire which is preoccupied with self-gratification. Lust is also the basis for adultery. So, just as you would never willingly invite a known killer or con man into your home, why welcome in something that tempts many to commit adultery?

. . . And we’re well aware of how some women can be ‘seduced’ into inviting porn in; for instance “if we watch it together it will spice up our love life”. Or, “if you watch porn with me, there’ll be no reason for me to watch it alone.” But don’t go there. Findings show you will be feeding the beast for reasons that will later be explained.

Why men use pornography

• Whatever the root causes, a man’s attraction to pornographic images can bring about a mental “high” that provides a brief escape from whatever stress or unhappiness he is experiencing in his daily life. Pornography enables some men to escape into a fantasy life, which features them as the hero.
• Pornography is an aid for masturbation.
• Some struggle with compulsive and occasionally obsessive temptations. In a mistaken attempt to control these, they may turn to the use of pornography as a "lesser evil" or "safety valve" allowing for the satisfaction of these compulsive desires in a way that is not harmful, as it involves them alone. While providing seeming relief from temptations, the use of pornography actually only provides further fuel for obsessive impulses.
• Some struggle with temptations that are dangerous and destructive: same-sex attraction, attraction to children and sadistic fantasies. In the hope of maintaining these temptations in secrecy, some resort to pornography to control their impulses. This deception will feed, rather than subdue, temptations. 

What triggers the use of pornography?

Contrary to what many women think, men are not necessarily led to porn because they’re unhappy with their intimate life or partner’s appearance, although this may be so.
Factors that may lead to the development of a porn-viewing habit include the “pleasure principle,” a Freudian term for the drive to avoid pain and seek immediate gratification, stress, marital conflict or extreme self-centeredness (narcissm).

An Internet porn habit may begin out of curiosity. A man might come across a porn site by accident. Then continue to explore because he feels it fills a need, explains Mark Houck, co-founder and president of The King’s Men, a Catholic apostolate based in the Philadelphia area.

“Perhaps he is stressed at work, or perhaps he is bored with his life and looking for some excitement,” says Houck. “Whatever the case, it begins with his false perception that the women and images he will see on the Internet will satisfy his needs. The truth of the matter is that they will never satisfy his needs, and he will be left in a worse situation than he was before. . . . He is using pornography as a substitute for real human relationships, and he is suffering.”

Why porn is bad
1. It hurts marriages and families

It is false to believe that pornography is only an act between two consenting adults. Pornography is a source of many marriage and family problems and is a hidden factor in many divorces; thereby affecting entire families. (To read The Family Research Council’s study of 2009 on the effects of pornography, see the Executive Summary and full report by Patrick F. Fagan, Ph.D.)

Pornography disconnects the spiritual and emotional side of sex from the bodily side. Yet the three are meant to be integrated. And women especially will sense when there is a disconnection because we tend to be more in touch with the spiritual and our own feelings. This is why women feel so conflicted when pornography enters a relationship.

Pornography damages people’s emotional lives. Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their marital sexual relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset. Women married to men with a pornography addiction report feelings of betrayal, mistrust, anger and loss of self esteem. This raises the chances of infidelity or divorce happening.

It destroys the trust and intimacy within the husband-wife relationship. Many wives consider their husbands’ porn use as a betrayal every bit as deep and damaging as if they had committed adultery. Porn is after all adultery of the mind. And, like an affair, it draws focus away from a man’s home life and relationships.

2. It is addictive, robs people of the full joy of healthy sexual relationships and can lead to perverse and even criminal sexual behaviours

The use of pornography leads not only to repeated unsatisfying experiences, but demands an escalation of stimulation. Gradually, the porn addiction escalates as tolerance to each level of experiences is built up. So a user of porn may seek out more explicit or perverse material, or be drawn to adult chat rooms.

Unfortunately some porn-addicts find that their obsession can get to the point that online images and encounters no longer satisfy their desires because porn stimulates the desire for riskier and increasingly perverse - and even sometimes criminal - sexual behaviors. They then seek to act out their pornographic fantasies, for example, by having an affair, seeking casual sexual encounters, *using prostitutes, committing acts of voyeurism or even engaging in sexual abuse of another person.

Eventually, however, the anonymity usually ends because the secret gets out. As with other addictions, as a porn addiction grows, the addict’s cognitive abilities are impaired and he takes more risks. Then the increasingly risky behavior and efforts to hide the problem eventually raise questions among family and/or co-workers.

*A link between use of pornography and use of prostitutes has been found. See “Challenging Men’s Demand for Prostitution in Scotland,” Women’s Support Project, April 2008 [Published at: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/documents/Challenging_Men%27s_Demand.pdf]:

3. It is immoral and does not benefit the greater good

The use of pornography is one of several kinds of addictive behavior that undermines a person’s moral judgment.

Pornography benefits no one for the common good. It merely offers self-gratification to the consumer and personal gain to the seller.

There cannot be a "temperate" use of pornography, just as there cannot be a "temperate" use of hatred or racism. If you get into pornography, little by little it will suck you in. 

4. It degrades human beings and destroys the ability to experience intimacy

The use of pornography damages the very human qualities that make intimacy possible: such as respect, trust and the willingness to sacrifice for the other. The continued use of pornography limits the possibility, and even the ability, to attain intimacy with another person.

With porn, sex is viewed as a form of recreation for superficial self-gratification, without regard for the welfare of a sexual partner. People are seen as objects to be enjoyed, not persons to be respected and loved. So every experience involving porn demeans and desensitizes the viewer to the beauty and nobility of the human person.

Can an addiction to pornography be cured?

Most therapists today agree that obsessive viewing of Internet porn qualifies as a behavioral addiction. When a man views the images, the accompanying gratification neurochemically “hard-wires” his brain and burns the images permanently in his memory in what some doctors call an erototoxin effect.

Mr. Houck of The King’s Men explains in layman’s terms, “Overcoming a porn addiction is harder than overcoming a heroin addiction. When rehabilitating from a drug addiction, there is a period of detoxification from the drug. With porn, you can detox, but the images never leave your body. Scary, isn’t it?”

Because porn addiction has so many of the same causes and effects as adultery, the treatment and counseling are similar. In adultery, the wife will say, ‘I want all the details.’ So you have to be totally transparent and honest about all the mistakes you’ve made, when, where and why. Then there has to be a deep sense of sorrow; a repentance. As with treating adultery there has to be a real commitment to identify the problems and address them. Rebuilding marital trust is not easy, but it is possible.

Conclusion

Says Robert Peters, president of Morality in Media based in New York, “Particularly with the Internet, we usually talk about the three A’s: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Sometimes I add a fourth A, addiction. Pornography is addictive in any medium, but when you’ve got this smorgasbord at your fingertips, and you’re clever enough to keep others from finding out about it, it’s an awful lot easier for people to get into pornography.”

What is fast emerging, is that like with any other addiction, it’s the getting out that’s the difficult part!