Social networking and love

Social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are excellent instruments to establish connection with others. But they can also be a source of disconnect and rupture for relationships.

They offer an opportunity to meet people with similar interests or even reconnect with an old interest, particularly when you are feeling disconnected from your partner.

Virtual connections often eradicate inhibitions, allowing online relationships to develop faster and deeper than face-to-face bonds as it's 'just a friend / someone on Facebook, Twitter (or similar) that you know'. Yet they steal your time, focus and energy away from your partner and your relationship.

Here are some tips to stay connected in your own relationship and still enjoy connecting with virtual friends:

1. Discuss the the importance of your social network with each other and why, so you can understand what the boundaries are.
2. Make a covenant with your partner about the time each of you will spend networking when you are home or apart - yes it’s great to catch up with news etc., but not to the detriment of your relationship.
3. “Friend” your partner and spend time posting interesting and positive things that are happening to you/your partner that you want to share with others.
4. Focus your energy on your partner when you are having dinner, or out on a date or spending quality time together. Avoid messaging or consulting your network pages.
5. If you reconnect with people you were attracted to in the past, make sure your spouse is included in this. This shows trust and honesty and your commitment to your relationship and your partner and not the 'other person'.
6. If you are struggling with feelings for a 'virtual friend', minimize or eliminate interactions with that person - it hinders you from focusing on your partner and your relationship and brings an unnecessary third person into your space.
7. After arguments with your partner, avoid resorting to social networks to find affirmation and connection. Stay focused on your relationship. This is where the work needs to be done, not out there.

The same can be said for e-mail, SMS, BBM-ing or other such virtual channels.

Always ask yourself the question first - "Would I like it if my partner did this to me?" This way you put your partner and your relationship first.

90% of problems in relationships are caused by a lack of communication. Symptoms of this may include being negative with each other through put downs, criticism, shaming and blaming.  Couples co-create their situations, and need to know they can co-create improvement. But many couples first need to learn how to communicate in a safe way and relax our defences to be open and honest with each other.

Paula Quinsee is an Imago Practitioner based in Lonehill, South Africa. She offers a 3 hour ‘mini’ Imago workshop providing an overview of Imago and its principles and how this can help improve all your relationships. The next workshop will take place in July. Cost is ZAR 300.00 per person. For further information, please contact Paula on her mobile: 083 307 0918 or e-mail her at ati2ud3@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit her website www.ati2ud.com