Assertive Behaviour Techniques

Article submitted by Johanna Richmond, Social Psychologist, Certified Counselor – University of London
Dubai: 050 345 8076

Acting assertively strengthens self-esteem. If we demonstrate through our actions that we believe we are worthy of respect, others are more likely to treat us the same way and hear our message clearly. 

Being assertive means knowing you have the right to disagree or ask for more consideration by giving yourself the same respect you’d give the other person.  It does not mean being pushy, demanding, controlling or selfish. 

Part of being assertive is to learn to listen carefully to make sure that you clearly understand the other person’s position and that you carefully consider his or her rights as well as your own.  Being assertive means identifying what you want and asking for it in a clear language that maintains respect for others.

• Objectively evaluate your rights.  What is wrong with this situation? Do you have the right to expect different treatment than what you’re getting? We all have basic rights we tend to forget about, including the right to change our minds, to say ‘I don’t know’, to be treated with dignity and respect and to feel our feelings.

• Choose a time when you want to deal with the situation.  For a conflict with a loved one, a co-worker or someone you are in regular contact with, establish a mutually convenient time when you can discuss the problem.  However, some situations need to be dealt with on the spot, before greater damage is done and this requires ‘mindfulness’ to avoid aggression or anger.

• State the problem in terms of how it affects you.  Make it clear exactly how you are hurt or inconvenienced by the other person’s behavior.  This may be all you need to do.  Sometimes people are unaware of their impact on you.  Use calm, objective language that avoids criticism.

• State your feelings, using congruent verbal and nonverbal language.  This is also where ‘I’ statements come in.  ‘When your stereo is loud, I can’t get my work done. This makes me feel anxious that I won’t meet my deadline’.  The other person is not responsible for the way you feel but has a right to know about it.  If you don’t state your feelings, you’re assuming that the other person can read your mind.

• Tell the other person what you want.  Use simple, direct language.  Keep it specific: ‘I want you to help with the dishes’ not ‘I want you to show more consideration for me’.  Address the other person’s behavior, not his personality or character, to avoid putting him or her on the defensive.

• Describe the consequences and set your boundary.  Clearly spell out what will happen if the other person does or doesn’t cooperate.  This should not be a threat, but a natural consequence which must be followed through if necessary.  ‘If I can’t get my work done, we can’t go out later’.  When you’re dealing with someone you know to be uncooperative, you may point out the natural consequences of his refusal: ‘If you don’t let me get my work done, we won’t have enough money to buy the things you want’. 

Learning these skills can have powerful consequences for self-esteem.  It can teach us how to express our feelings, remind us of our interpersonal rights, help get our needs met and resolve confusion and conflict in relationships. Assertiveness may not change the other person’s behaviour but it will garner more respect from the other as they actually listen to your needs and it prepares the way for more consideration in the future.

In many situations, especially those where for instance co-dependency, low self-esteem or anger/aggression exist, it is difficult to assert oneself in the right manner.  Through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy issues preventing assertive behaviour can be addressed. This helps people to have control over their thoughts and behaviour in the future.

What is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT)

CBT is a mixture of cognitive and behaviour therapies. They are often combined because how we behave often reflects how we think about certain things or situations.

The emphasis on cognitive or behaviour aspects of therapy can vary, depending on the condition being treated. For example, there is often more emphasis on behaviour therapy when treating obsessive-compulsive disorder (where repetitive compulsive actions are a main problem). The emphasis may be more on cognitive therapy when treating depression.

These are only some disorders that are successfully treated with CBT:

• anxiety disorders including phobias, panic attacks, panic disorder and others
• depression
• eating disorders
• obsessive-compulsive disorder
• body dysmorphic disorder
• anger management
• post-traumatic-stress disorder
• relationship problems
• marriage counseling
• personality disorders, narcissism, anti-social behaviour, histrionic, avoidant and others

The first session of therapy will include time for you and your counselor to develop a shared understanding of the problem and how CBT works. Also to identify how your thoughts, ideas, feelings, attitudes and behaviours affect your day-to-day life.

Then a treatment plan will be agreed, consisting of goals you wish to achieve and the number of sessions likely to be needed. Sessions are typically held weekly and last about 50-60 minutes. Most courses of CBT last for several weeks. It is common to have 10-15 sessions, but a course of CBT can be longer or shorter, depending on the nature and severity of the condition.  You have to take an active part in the process and will be given 'homework' between sessions as the CBT approach is quite structured.

CBT has been shown in clinical trials to help ease symptoms of various health problems. For example, research studies have shown that a course of CBT is just as effective as medication in treating depression and certain anxiety disorders. There are long-term benefits of CBT as the techniques to combat these problems can be used for the rest of your life to help keep symptoms away. So, for example, depression or anxiety is less likely to recur in the future.

CBT is one type of psychotherapy ('talking treatment'). Unlike other types of psychotherapy it does not involve 'talking freely', or dwell throughout treatment on events in your past to gain insight into your emotional state of mind. It is not a 'lie on the couch and tell all' type of therapy.

CBT tends to deal with the 'here and now' - how your current thoughts and behaviours are affecting you now. Although it recognizes that events in your past have shaped the way that you currently think and behave and this is discussed in early sessions (in particular, thought patterns and behaviours learned in childhood known as ‘schema’) CBT does not dwell in the past. Rather it aims to find solutions on how to change your current thoughts and behaviours so that you can function better in the future.