Penny was seven months old when Mike and I moved into a cottage some 20 kilometres away from my parents’ home.

The cottage we rented was on a farm conveniently situated five minutes from Mike’s work, close to Lanseria. It was a very isolated place, but I had a phone…

My days were kept busy with me doing housework and washing our clothes by hand. I remember waging a personal little war with the cows. I would lay our woollen jumpers out on towels to dry on the concrete slab in the garden, and I’d have to keep a close watch out for the cows that came walking in. If I wasn’t careful, the docile beasts would walk all over the clothing and sometimes even do their ‘business’ on it!

Penny had grown into a gorgeous little bundle of joy and was over her colic. I was managing pretty well as a young mom and housewife.

By this time I had become completely attuned to Mike’s mood swings and bad habits, and, aside from being a housewife I found myself settling into a ‘controlled’ way of life. Of course I hadn’t put my finger on the ‘control’ thing yet. But later, as I matured, it clicked.  

Wearing a watch from morning to night was a must: I had to ensure I kept on top of everything in the household so as to prevent an abusive outburst from Dearly Beloved.

Keeping shopping slips and then writing next to the amounts the specific items, for example R2.99 = bread, became the norm. Trying to be creative with the different coloured vegetables which Mike expected for the evening meal; I did many, many things that would seem pathetic to most, yet I had to stay on top of it all. There was no room for mistakes. If I slipped up, all hell would break loose. 

Though I didn’t realise it at the time, I lived an awful existence; constantly walking on eggshells to please my ‘better’ half. Although I would have told you back then that I was an ‘obedient wife’ it would later sink in to my battered mind that I was a controlled victim of domestic abuse.

Domestic Abuse; what was that? I never even knew it existed. So, in a nutshell, the first couple of years I spent being on the receiving end of Mike’s violent outbursts and drunken rages, I’d put the blame for his actions down to too much alcohol. Or, for the times when there was no drink involved, that I’d ‘asked for it’.

Life with Mike was exhausting because of my continuous efforts to try and please him. During those early years I learned to ‘conform’ and mind my ‘p’s & q’s’. Keeping the peace was my daily goal.

I’d had many friends when Mike and I met up. In fact, as teenagers my brother, sisters and I were very popular and our home was the meeting place for all. Despite the fact that my two older siblings were in fact step-brother & step-sister (my parents got divorced when I was nine and my mother remarried, my biological father having moved back to the UK) we were a pretty balanced family, and attracted many friends. However, soon after Mike and I married, my network of friends began to dwindle. Mike found fault with almost every one of them and, as my ‘peace-keeping’ skills developed, I stopped contacting my friends. My friends, you see, became a trigger for Mike’s abuse. They were nice enough people, all of them, but Mike didn’t see them that way. Mike was, bit by bit, gnawing away at me to reach the core of my being in his mission to seize total control. It didn’t take terribly long either. He began to ‘own’ me.

Mike and I had a few select friends – people he’d known for years and their wives or girlfriends, whom I befriended. Our weekends were either spent at home or with his family, and sometimes with my family.

Mike’s family were very loud, dominating people. Especially his sister. Mike’s father was usually grumpy and would find fault with just about everything. He was a very controlling individual who I found tedious to be around. Everything was about image with them – to outsiders they appeared to be a typical, well-adjusted Sandton family. They were members of the Catholic Church, and Mike’s Dad would often help the Priest with odd jobs. I must say I found it pretty disgusting that this man would drive out of the Church grounds after a Sunday morning service, only to swear racist abuse at the black taxi drivers on the road. A classic hypocrite if you like.

It wasn’t long before I got to witness Mike’s mother’s drinking problem. Of course I was never told she was an alcoholic – it was something that was kept hushed, until she could not contain it any longer. Within the first couple of years of my association with these people I began putting the pieces together. Mike’s mother had clearly been subjected to a life of control and abuse at the hands of her husband, and found her escape in the bottle. Rather then try and get help for the woman, Mike’s father preferred to bury his head in the sand, pretending the problem didn’t exist. It came to light that Mike’s mother had been drinking excessively for about ten years or so before I entered the scene.

Wonderful Women is drawing up a list of helpful resources for victims of domestic violence and other types of abuse.

If you are based in Dubai or Gauteng in S.A. and provide a service that you believe should be on the list, or know of someone who does, please e-mail sue@wwnetw.com.

There is already some information that can help abused women on the Wonderful Women website – www.wonderfulwomennetwork.com.

Human Relations Institute (Dubai) (971-4) 365-8498 & 365-8578
www.hridubai.com is linked to The Foundation for International Human Relations, Washington, DC and offers a wide range of Psychology related services. With multilingual and multicultural professionals on board they combine both Clinical and *Forensic Psychology to effectively assess, treat, and consult on cases where domestic violence is involved. (*Forensic psychologists translate psychological information into a legal framework, usually for the purpose of testifying in court.)

The Restorative Justice Centre
(Pretoria, South Africa)
Tel: 27 (0) 12 3232926.   Contact Suzanne Robinson-Davis suzanne@rjc.co.za, www.rjc.co.za deals with domestic violence situations. They sent us the case study:

Although people think that domestic violence always involves women being abused by their partners, there are cases where the male is the one on the receiving end.

The Restorative Justice Centre (RJC) recently dealt with a matter in which a husband opened a case of assault against his wife after she had thrown cutlery at him which left him with a scar on the chest after a heated argument.

During a conversation between the social worker and the wife, she asserted that she acted in self defense as he had been abusing her for the past 8 years in their 20 years of marriage.

The couple willingly participated in a Victim Offender Conference which was facilitated by a social worker from RJC.

Both parties had the opportunity to express themselves and lay out any hidden feelings and aggravations that they had.
 
During the session, it soon became apparent that the wife was abusing alcohol. This was one of the factors that contributed to the couple’s conflict.

The RJC social worker assisted the couple in finding common ground and agreeing on certain ground rules.

The wife acknowledged the strain that her alcohol abuse put on her family and was willing to go for rehabilitation. She also agreed to seek new ways to deal with stress.

Even though there is still a long road that this couple has to walk together, with RJC’s continued intervention, the journey will no longer be one devoid of hope.