Overprotected?

 

In the long term being with an overprotective partner is not okay. But it may not feel this way in the beginning, while you are being swept off your feet.

Having someone do for you what you could and should do for yourself or having someone who repeatedly demonstrates through verbal or non-verbal cues over an extended period of time that they think you’re incompetent, will succeed in chipping away at your self esteem and create a false sense of dependency. These are clues that you’re being controlled. And control is not about your protection . . . it’s about giving the controller a sense that he’s in charge.

Ironically, unless they’re sociopaths, control freaks control other people because they’re scared. But you always have the choice not to play their game.

How can women guard themselves against becoming controlled? For starters ALWAYS be mindful of your personal boundaries and trust your gut.  Also, try to avoid getting into a new relationship when you are in a vulnerable place in your life, as your judgement won’t be all that great. In addition, if you’re thinking of entering a new relationship, listen more to your brain than your heart, and take note of what your family and friends say about your partner.

TYPES OF TOXICALLY OVER-CONTROLLING MEN

The too good to be true man who comes on strong then withdraws
If a man seems too good to be true, he probably is. The TGTBT operator will reel a woman in and gain her confidence by doing exactly what he thinks she would like. Then once you’re hooked, bam! He cools off. This becomes a pattern where enough tension is created to keep you interested because you recall the initial high the relationship offered. But if you’re honest with yourself, you will realise that you often feel as though you are left wanting. This cycle will succeed in making you infinitely controllable if you allow it to.

Not to be confused with the emotional refrigerator, this type of man has the capacity to love passionately. He just withdraws at regular intervals either to protect himself or maintain the upper hand.

The take charge kind of man
This guy will attract you by making you think that you never have to worry about anything ever again. He is your rescuer. Typically he is generous too. Or is he? Not if his motive is to keep you dependent on him financially.

If you meet someone who wants to help you sort out your problems before the relationship is well established; beware. A man with a strong sense of identity will choose a mate he respects, and he won’t see the need to rescue her, meaning there is less chance that he will have a need to control.  

The man who is trying to rebuild a shattered ego
If a man’s former partner left him suddenly, his ego may need a boost; especially if he was ditched for a more handsome, wealthier or younger man. To gain control again, he may search to find the same type of woman who rejected him, but then not allow her to have any real power in the relationship.  This means financially and emotionally! That way he can safeguard himself, so that if she also leaves, his life won’t fall apart.

The narcissist
Some men are just plain selfish. What you want isn’t nearly as important as what they want. Over time, the narcissist will try to seize control over absolutely everything that feeds his desires; for example food shopping and cooking if he’s a food lover. But his motives aren’t about helping you. It’s all about self gratification.  

The passive-aggressive Mr. Nice Guy
This man will probably attract you because he is so pleasant and seems to always be on an even keel. Even when a situation would upset anyone else, it will seem to have no effect on him. But it won’t be long before you will see signs of a volcano under the surface that’s just about to erupt. Next thing you know you’re going through life walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace so you can minimise his angry outbursts.

The subtle keep you on your toes controller
As you spend more time with this guy, you will start feeling uncomfortable at his subtle put-downs. But they won’t be obvious enough to confront him with. Here are some examples. “That woman’s hairstyle will suit you.” (Well I like the one I already have, or I wouldn’t have chosen it!) “The top of the fridge is covered in dust. Was this place cleaned this week?” (Mmm, well that’s what happens when you’re only 5.5. Strange you didn’t notice that the rest of the place is pristine!)

Unless you establish clear boundaries, when next you stop to wipe the pixie dust out of your eyes, you find you’re with someone who tells you what to wear and dons a pair of white cotton gloves each week to check that your home is as dust free as a medical isolation unit.

The pity-party-in-a-box controller
This man’s strategy is to ensnare you by making you feel sorry for him. When he tells you all his troubles, his hope is that you will take the bait and dive in and rescue him from his miserable life. He keeps the status quo by telling you that you alone could save him. Unfortunately, once you’re in a relationship, if you ever show signs of wanting to leave, this type of man will resort to outright emotional blackmail to control you, perhaps even through threatening suicide.    

Toxic controllers are often quite proficient at using their strategy of choice. That’s why even intelligent women fall for them. They are very convincing. But seeing them for what they are is half the battle. Once you have cottoned on to their strategy, you can impose boundaries that will protect you from going along with it, and getting hurt in the process.

This article draws from the book TOXIC MEN – 10 Ways to identify, deal with & heal from the men who make your life miserable – by Lillian Glass PhD. Published by Adams Media.