Cultivating Real Intimacy

If we don't connect and share our inner self with our mate, the relationship will lack substance and one or both of the people in it will feel unfulfilled and insecure.

On the other hand, as the couples who have found it will tell you, if we do have an intimate bond with our mate, the relationship will be more meaningful, rewarding, and life-changing than anything else.  

There’s a chance your man doesn't know what intimacy really is, so you might find yourself wanting to help him learn. (You'll know that what you are doing is working when you sense him leaning into you - not away from you - emotionally.)

Though there may be obstacles on the road toward intimacy, they are not set in stone. And many good and wise women have used their innate abilities to love and to heal for the sake of building more emotional closeness with their mates – for the ultimate benefit of both.

The five paths to intimacy

Intellectual intimacy
This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is sharing your thoughts - about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics or whatever else. This reveals some of what's going on in your mind.

Social intimacy
This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together. Others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, but also contribute to intimacy.

Emotional intimacy
Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see our daughter riding a bike for the first time and I feel a little anxious. You take my hand and I feel you understand my concern. When we have an emotional bond, we experience emotional intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy
Often the least excavated of all the foundations of intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.

Physical intimacy
Because men and women are different, we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The man’s emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The woman’s though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.

The path to improved intimacy

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your mate to be himself without striving to shape him so he conforms to your ideals. In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we should not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

Barriers to intimacy

The loss of intimacy is a painful reality in many marriages and relationships. This is often the result of a failure to understand the conditions that allow intimacy to thrive.

One of the things that can keep us from experiencing intimacy is focus on the self. The opposite of self-centeredness, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse or partner. We take time to listen to our mate’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favourite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

Another is contempt, the belief that the other person is worthless and deserves scorn. Studies at the University of Washington's "love lab" have found that contempt is the best predictor of whether a marriage will make it; the higher the level of contempt, the higher the probability of divorce.

Contempt is an effort to make you big and someone else small. Conveyed in many different ways it can show itself in your tone, eyes, words or body language. It cripples intimacy in whatever form it shows itself.

Contemptuous accusations are generally not invitations or explorations; they are intended to humiliate, disempower, and make another vulnerable to manipulation. Contempt's goal is to discredit and steal dignity so the victor can remain in control, unaffected by any view or idea that is at odds with his or her own.

7 Ways to build intimacy

1. Show that you are Trustworthy

When intimacy suffers, it is often because trust has been damaged in some way. A lack of trust can begin with a traumatic experience like an affair, but often it is the result of more subtle problems. Repeatedly broken promises, inconsistent behaviors (for example, your partner is patient and supportive one day, but easily frustrated and annoyed with you the next), and a lack of responsiveness to each other's needs set the stage for mistrust and the erosion of intimacy.

2. Show that you’re committed

Would you feel deeply connected to someone who openly expressed uncertainty about the future of your relationship or marriage? Would you bare your soul to a partner who threatens to jump ship whenever the going gets rough? Probably not. That's where commitment, a prerequisite for intimacy, comes in. Commitment sends the message that you're both in the relationship for the long haul, not just during the joyous highs of the relationship, but during the inevitable lows as well.

3. Practice Acceptance

When you practice acceptance you give your partner the gift of unconditional love. Creating an atmosphere of safety that allows your partner to bring all of himself to the relationship. A deep connection can only exist when judgmental attitudes are replaced with acceptance. Remember that differences between you are not necessarily right versus wrong. So quit judging and start showing that you appreciate and accept all the things that make him/her unique.

When your man does reveal himself through words, really and truly listen. Consciously try to hear him out without imposing your will on him. We all need to trust our partners with our real, genuine feelings. 

4. Validate each other

We all need to feel understood by others. One of the most powerful ways to create a bridge of intimacy is by showing your partner that you understand his/her experience. Validation makes people feel sane. It tells us that we're justified in having our reactions and that we're not alone in how we think and feel. When you make efforts to see the world through your partner's eyes, you have taken a huge step toward a more intimate and fulfilling union.


5. Develop Shared Interests

The development of shared interests is one of the most powerful ways to create a more fulfilling, intimate relationship. When you share mutually satisfying activities with your partner, you connect with him/her in a positive, meaningful way. This adds a spark to your connection, helping you rekindle the playfulness that existed early in your relationship. Shared interests and activities foster a sense of togetherness and also buffer against the daily stress and grind of life. Developing enjoyable routines that you both agree on can go a long way toward preventing problems in the future.

6. Embrace the “Strong and the Weak rule” 

Here's a general relationship and marriage principle: The stronger one in any given area should take into consideration the weaknesses of the other. This is a practical way in which our differences can grow us and strengthen the bond of intimacy between us.

For example - If the husband catches on quickly when it comes to technology, and the wife does not – it makes sense that he should take added responsibility for and try to support her in this area rather than pressuring her to be as clued up as he is if he wants their relationship to thrive.  It is after all pretty pointless to try to get someone to do what they cannot. 

7. Ban the idea of "Fixing" your partner  

Many wives believe their main job is to fix their husbands (and children). Apart from this, there is an inherent power struggle in the marriage relationship.

The desire to control and to "fix" men is dangerous because men usually have extreme reactions to power:  either passivity or domination. "Fixing" men frequently means taming them, and a tame man usually isn't a good man—he's likely surrendered his will, and turned from his own nature and identity.

A healthy conversation between husband and wife is not about fixing. Rather it will be like brainstorming - open and curious; as opposed to a debate or dull information session.  Emotions must be present for intimate conversation. You can help your man to keep his emotions present by treating him well as you communicate.

Adapted from the book Married But Not Engaged by Paul and Sandy Coughlin.