Empty Nest Syndrome
Article submitted by Alison Gitelson from CanBeeDone (Jo’burg, South Africa)
Empty nest syndrome isn’t something that only happens when the last child leaves home. People who don’t have children can also experience feelings of emptiness in the wake of pivotal events such as a retirement or divorce.
Consider this - what would your nest be like without your life partner? Or for those who are married to their career, what would your life be like without that job?
Some time back I heard Redi Direko of Talk Radio 702 say she was going to be discussing empty nest syndrome. Although I didn’t hear the discussion, her introduction did get me thinking.
My children are still teenagers. Their father and I separated and later divorced when they were still quite small. They then later elected to live with their Dad. Now both are at boarding schools. As a result, I have already had plenty of opportunity to suffer from empty nest syndrome.
When I was first separated I purposely found things to do to fill the time when the children were away - things I enjoy. Thank goodness at that time I already had friendships, hobbies and interests and knew what was joyful to me.
When the children later began spending more weekday time at their father it was difficult and uncomfortable. I had to redefine my role as a mother. Fortunately, even back then, motherhood wasn’t my only role. So I had other activities and purposes to focus on. More free time meant I was able to devote myself more to these.
People often ask me “don’t you miss the children when they are away at school?”
My honest response is “yes, I do a little, but I am already used to not being with them all the time.”
I am genuinely excited at seeing my children grow into amazing independent people. I see them finding their own strengths, recognising their own needs, and being challenged to live according to their own values, which were first developed at home. And they are fortunate in that they are able to do all this in a safe environment, knowing that Mom and Dad are only a phone call away.
Recently one of the *Headway members told me that her husband, who has just sustained a brain injury, had still been working full time. Looking at the membership form, I enquired whether I had the age right, as he is in his seventies. She said “oh yes, he couldn’t retire because he has nothing else to do.”
*Headway is a welfare organisation in S.A. dedicated to offering various support programs to survivors of Acquired Brain Injury, including Traumatic Brain Injury.
We set ourselves up during our younger years for how we will cope later when the children leave home or we retire. We make choices as to how much we live our own lives or how much we define ourselves by others’ needs; for instance in roles of parent, spouse, employee or business owner.
Do you define yourself in terms of your job? Do you spend all your leisure time either serving your family or accompanying them on their choice of activity? What would you do if your presence - in terms of filling those roles - was no longer required?
Do you know what brings you joy, regardless of external circumstances? Do you enjoy your own company? What interests or excites you, without depending on others?
When you live your life through your children you do them a disservice. Poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran writes in The Prophet, “…..and though they are with you yet they belong not to you...You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”
The role of a parent is to prepare children for adulthood; for taking their place as contributing members of society, for living the life they were born to live.
And you were born to live your own life. Being a parent or life partner or employee is only one role in a life which has many simultaneous and consecutive roles. If you limit yourself to one role and that one goes away, the adjustment is huge. Adjustment will always be needed but the degree of difficulty is reduced if your focus was more diverse to begin with.
We often forget our most important role – “Carer of Self”. When we fulfil that role well we enable ourselves to become a person with the capacity to fill many other roles superbly.
How can you insure against empty nest syndrome?
- Don’t lose sight of what is important to you, of who you are as an individual, of what you contribute to society.
- Keep up a variety of friendships
- Have a number of interests that bring meaning, enjoyment and fulfilment outside of family and work
- Make leisure time for yourself
Wishing you many days ahead – with enough “me” time in them.
